Do you remember when your dad (or perhaps more likely your grandfather) told you that there’s “no such things as a free lunch?” I recently discovered that this depression-era adage applies good and well in this “not a recession” economy in which we find ourselves, and furthermore, it applies to industries that having little or nothing to do with lunch or food of any kind.
Enter the “Free Oil Change” coupon.
Yes, you’ve all gotten them in the mail or newspaper (they still make those?). They are printed in mass quantity on brightly-colored shiny paper with the word “FREE” written in such a way that you almost feel bad if you don’t use it. Well, that’s exactly the position I was in earlier today.
I noticed that the car was a few (thousand) miles past the recommended oil change (I think they just give us those window stickers to make us feel bad), and I had just seen a coupon for a “FREE OIL CHANGE” in the paper. So what did I do? I hopped in my sadly neglected automobile and headed to the closest purveyor of said “FREE OIL CHANGES.”
As soon as I walked in, I knew it was a trap. There were 30-some-odd other people in the waiting room (all of whom, I suspect, had come in for their free oil changes). I should have turned around and walked out. I did not. That is because (I wish I could think of a better excuse) I am an idiot.
I walked up to the counter and presented my coupon. Then I heard these evil words:
This coupon also entitles you to a free 3,894 point checkup just to make sure that your car is in perfect running condition. Is that ok?
First of all, I drive a 2001 Buick LeSabre that was given to me for free that is roughly 4,000 (give or take 3,000) miles past its scheduled oil change. I know for a fact that it is not in perfect running condition. Well, to make a long story longer, I agreed and the 3,984 point inspection commenced.
Wouldn’t you know it? I had exactly 3,984 things wrong with my car! What are the odds?? Given that the oil change was free, I’d say the odds were about 1:1 (that’s 100% for those of you who slept through Statistics class).
So how much did that FREE oil change end up costing me? I don’t know yet. I’m currently sitting in a Chipotle, sipping a fine Coke product, waiting for my brake pads to be replaced, my rotors to be machined, and my Tooter Valve to be replaced. My guess is that after today, my son will have no shot at going to college. Sorry, Junior.
The Verdict: The thing that really stinks about this is that I really did need my brakes fixed. Did I plan on doing that today? No, of course not. Did I plan on paying for it today? Not on your life. Is it a good thing that I’m doing it? Yeah, probably so.
Moral of the story? Free oil changes are not free. They will always cost you at least a set of brake pads or wiper blades at a minimum. But, if those are things that you were going to have to do anyway, you might as well get a free oil change out of the deal.
I can almost guarantee that this will happen to me again in the future, but at least I’m not a woman in the same situation, right?